The Christian Story Instills Freedom
Some pastoral advice on the raising of children in Christian trust.
The story Christians tell—of God, humans, and the world—instills freedom. When we telegraph to our children that it’s about restriction or just another thing that’s good for you, we harm the gospel in their lives.
And when we make the church a fortress, when we insulate our homes from the realities of culture, we are not helping our children become people who discern good and evil by the Spirit of freedom in which they were immersed at baptism.
If a child shows an interest in reading a philosopher, novelist, or a scientist who makes you nervous, diffuse that tension in yourself (and in them) by reading the author with them, maybe not at the same time but at least together. Ask yourself the questions they are asking. Let God speak to you through a journey together.
Within reason and health this applies also to music and films and the arts, and to cultural, political, environmental, and justice movements.
As our children were coming up in the churches we served, we would never allow anyone to impose their idea of what they could or could not read or what they could or could not wear, what they could or could not feel and so on.
When children see that perfect love has banished fear-based and shame-based models of faith, that our walk with Jesus Christ is joyful and trust-dominant, they can be free to follow Jesus with us.
When we get anxious and fearful in the face of our children’s questions or explorations, doubts or thoughts, when as they enter late adolescence we hover at the edges of all their decisions, checking-in constantly as they go places with friends—not giving them the freedom to learn to discern who and who not to associate with—we are teaching them that we may talk a good game about trusting God with their lives but what we really trust is our own ability to control outcomes, when in fact no human can.
This can telegraph to our children that when it comes to the nitty gritty of life, where the rubber meets the road, we are practical atheists; that we don’t really trust Providence but our rules and boundaries, which can be healthy but are ever-so limited.
And then we wonder why so many of our young adults are abandoning our beautiful faith—this wonderful story our Creed tells, that truly makes the greatest possible sense of the world as it actually is—leaving behind our time-tested practices that unite us to Christ and to every person.
We never made our children do anything at church. After all, Christian trust and practices are not the same sort of thing as brushing your teeth or eating your vegetables or doing your homework. As adults, our children continue to embrace the faith, serve in the church, and have discernment I would envy at their age, discernment I depend on.
When we demonstrate that we trust God with our lives and with our children, when we project a sense of confidence in his lovingkindness, when we show that we trust the Spirit of God in them, when we show them that our faith is freedom and not restriction, they may walk away for a moment or for a while (do not freak out if that happens!), but they will in time run back to the freedom that is ours in Jesus Christ.
These days I talk quite a lot with young people who were raised with fear and shame and hate and hovering.
Please let me warn you: after living in such a church and home environment you cannot blast out of their hearts the intuition that our faith is abusive and controlling and small, even when they see consistent demonstrations elsewhere that it is beautiful and good and true.
Pastor Ken: I am that young adult that you described (“raised with fear and shame and hate and hovering” as you so eloquently put it). As a result, for the past few years I’ve been on the cusp of abandoning the faith so many times. Thank you for reminding me that there is a better way and A Love that casts out all of this fear and shame I still wrestle with to this day. God has blessed you. ❤️🔥
This is a fantastic reminder for me so I am printing it and will return to it often, as I'm fighting this battle with myself right now! I wholeheartedly agree with all of this, and we've never guilted or forced our kids into anything at church. We've engaged their questions and ideas that make us blanch and let them arrive at their own conclusions. And yet, I still want to push and direct and control when though I know they each have their own journey to make and that God will guide them far better than I could. The battle is all of my own making and even knowing that, I still fight myself. It's a work in progress...